The NHL playoffs start Wednesday which means a few things. First and the most disturbing being that I will officially be on hemroid watch thanks to an over exposure of prolonged sitting thanks to multiple double (and often triple on weekends) headers for the first few weeks of the post season. With prolonged sitting watching hockey comes prolonged drinking which is alright in my books but for all the marbles besides the hockey and booze the best part of the post season is ones excuse to grow a playoff beard.
I wasn’t smart enough to roll one when I was playing Junior hockey, I instead opted for the playoff team hair dye. Sure it was the “in” thing to do and all but looking back on those days you begin to wonder just what the hell you we’re thinking. From bleach blonde to team color hair it never came out the way you wanted and frankly looked quite ridiculous going to school/work. I suppose the reasoning behind it all probably has to do with the fact that back at that age a lot of guys can’t grow playoff beards to begin with so they’ve got to come up with something to team bond.
Why Playoff Beards
I’m well aware most you broads out there are wondering why a beard…and truthfully there are dozens of reasons most of which you wont understand. Perhaps the best reason comes from the late great John Belushi in Animal house to which he replied “Why Not?”
Playoff hockey involves thinking of nothing other then playoff hockey and let’s face it being clean-shaven is high-maintenance. It requires the application of shaving cream and razors to your face on a regular, sometimes daily basis and takes up precious time when one could be watching hockey games, hockey highlights, or other hockey related news stories.
The more we shave also leads to more blades on razors. Mach 3, Mach 5, Mach 100 etc. Does one really need to damage the environment more then it has by having a one hundred bladed razor?
Perhaps the best reason is because as guys we can (well most of us). In 2006 I had the privilege of growing it out for the first time thanks to that Cinderella Oilers playoff run. I wasn’t playing hockey at the time but it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do and gained some valuable beard experience in the process.
Since that magical two month process in 2006 I’ve grown temporary beards along the way.
Common Beard Excuses
(aside from playoff beards)
The “Im officially out of razors beard”
Pretty self explanatory, your current razor is to dull and your to lazy or pre-occupied to go to the store.
The “Broke My Arm and Cant Shave Beard”
Again pretty self explanatory, It isn’t easy shaving with your wrong hand, do I dare say it’s like masturbation in that aspect?
The “It’s -40 outside and I dont want to wear a scarf beard”
Living in Canada we’re prone to too many week long stretches of -40 or below days and nights and one doesn’t want to have to worry about carrying extra articles of clothing around for stops at pubs, friends houses, movies, etc.
The Final Exam Beard
Just another good mental preparation for good luck come the most important time in ones school years.
The I’m to busy playing Warcraft beard
No time to shave when you’re parked in front of the computer 24/7. You may even have to get a desk side pan so you dont shit your pants.
The I’m not old enough to get into the bar beard
It’s worth a shot if all your other friends are over the legal drinking age, this can also be classified to a degree of growing a beard to look like someone else to use a fake ID or in case you’ve been caught peering through your hot neighbors window.
The breakup beard
Ever had a girlfriend who hates stubble or always demanded you shave? Think of this as a lame form of payback! It’ll make you look older so you can get into bars without an ID check, allowing you to start drinking away your sorrows up to a full 30 seconds sooner, not to mention it will keep other girls away until you’ve had a chance to build up your confidence and start playing the scene again. Be warned though, some girls dig beards.
The Fire the Head Coach Beard
My most recent excuse to grow a beard. Sure it won’t prove anything or provide any course of action but it serves a point that you’re obsessed with your local sports team.
The excuse now
So with all that out of the way you’re wondering what the point is. Well, I introduce you to our latest stupid idea…
The Chicago Blackhawks playoff beard
I dont know if it was the 2600 beer or the pizza and chip sandwiches that were consumed this weekend but it was discussed in great detail. Needless to say at 4am in the morning it doesn’t take much convincing.
I suppose the real question is who is going to live up to the deal. Come Wednesday morning that will be the final day a razor sees my face until the Hawks have been eliminated…I apologize already to anyone I see in public.
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